Review-Jonah Hex

Jonah Hex (2010)
Starring: Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich
Dir: Jimmy Hayward
Writ: Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, based on comics by John Albano and Tony Dezuniga.

When I first heard of the existence of a Jonah Hex movie, adapted from the DC comics character, my initial reaction was “Why?” Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the character; it just seems a little strange to me that out of the the entire pantheon of DC comics characters to choose from, a D-list unknown like Jonah Freakin' Hex got pushed through to the big screen. But we haven't even got a script for a Wonder Woman movie. Again, no ill will to Jonah, but the very notion of his movie seems unnecessary.

In an almost blissfully self-aware turn of events, unnecessary seems to be the name of the game in the film itself.

Is it necessary to mount dual Gatling guns to a horse in order to kill four men? Probably not, but it happens within the first ten minutes to let you know this is that kind of movie. (I'm not even nitpicking with the count here. They make a point of that number five seconds prior.) Other excesses abound in the film, as well. Is it necessary for John Malkovich to look like the Cryptkeeper? Is it necessary to include a Sherlock Holmes-style boxing match with an acid-spitting mutant? Is it necessary for Megan Fox to wear a bustier through the whole film? Is Megan Fox necessary? The answer to all of these questions is “No.”

This is normally the point of the review where I explain the plot of the film, but it too, is superfluous. Here's the jist: Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) got Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) all kinds of ticked after killing his son in a fight which is never really explained, so he comes back and kills Hex's wife and Son, and also disfigures him with a branding iron. Now Jonah is mad at Turnbull. Turnbull is now angry at the US of A and wants to bring it to its knees, because it was cool when The Joker did it two years ago. The US government, represented here by an amazingly out of place Will Arnett, wants Jonah to stop him. That's it. Oh, and Turnbull is building a big weapon which I was surprised to see was not a giant steam-powered spider. Also, Jonah can do the same trick as that guy in Pushing Daisies, because why not?

This would all be well and good if JH was supposed to be a standard summer popcorn flick. It is, after all, from the creators of the two Crank films. Because Jonah aims a little higher, however, it fails. Almost embarrassingly transparent analogues to post-9/11 society and domestic terrorism abound in the film, and so it aims to get on the soapbox without a leg to stand on. Most of this blame falls on Malkovich and the way his character is written. He never comes across as a convincing villain, or even a believable one. His motivation for hating Jonah is clear, his motivation for becoming the force known as “El Terroristo” is not. He wants to destroy the country because...the South lost? Sure. Let's go with that. Comparisons to Wild Wild West are obvious, but this is what makes WWW fun-bad, and Jonah Hex just kind of bland: Given a ridiculous setup and lousy material, Kenneth Branagh is still fun to watch on the screen as Dr. Loveless, because he seems to be having fun with what he's given. Malkovich sleepwalks through his scenes, and you can almost hear him saying “Give me my damn check” after each take.

But if Malkovich is flat and boring, it's not because he's untalented, it's because he's lazy. I'm not sure if that's better or worse than Megan Fox's reason for her sultry mumbling. She can't help it. She delivers all of her lines like a bored high school sophomore in the background of Oklahoma! because that's the level of acting caliber she's at. It's not her fault people keep casting her, then give her no direction other than “Look Hot.” I have a feeling that by next year, people will stop doing the former, so the latter will take care of itself.

The only good performance in the film comes from Brolin, who embodies Jonah's hard-nosed anger with vigor. His delivery is a perfect blend of bitterness and apathy, and is really the film's saving grace. The epitome of this can be seen when Jonah, about to walk into a final battle, looks to his faithful stray dog, and in lieu of a heartfelt goodbye, simply sighs and says “Well, I just don't know what to say to you.” It's a performance and a character deserving of a much better film. If everyone else in the film were having half as much fun as he is, Hex would rank so much higher on the memorable movie scale.

Final Total: $5. Brolin can only do so much. A shoddy script and lackluster performances make what should have been over-the-top popcorn fun a dry, boring, and ultimately forgettable film. Five years from now you will see this movie at Walmart in a DVD threepack with Maverick and Wild Wild West. It will be ten dollars, you will pick it up and think “That's a pretty good deal!” Then you will never ever buy it.